Saturn God Is Coming to Town

And Now — The News from Eldaville #115

Here we are, Eldavillians, just six days away from the big day. So grab your reindeer by the antlers, hang onto those jingle bells and have another eggnog and Jack Daniels, because — that’s right — the Roman God Saturn is coming to town.

And Now — The News from Eldaville.

This past Saturday, I had the good fortune to get an exclusive interview with Professor of Religious History, Verruckt Heiden from Schweinfurt, Germany, and boy, well I’ll tell you, I was so excited my nose started glowing red.

Prof. Heiden is recognized as the authority for the tiniest minority of the world’s population who Believe that Jesus Christ was not born December 25. (At this point I think it’s important to let you know I’m not at my apartment, so please don’t burn down the building as it’s owned by a nice Christian couple — who Do Believe that Jesus was born December 25).

According to the professor, JC was born June 17 (Isn’t that Father’s Day? Maybe Hallmark has something to do with this sacrilegious conspiracy).

Turns out that a bunch of scientists — you know about scientists, those lunatics who make politicians look bad — say they can prove that the star the three wise men saw in the sky that year could have been in that position only in June, definitely not in December.

So did the early Christians lie about Christ’s birthday? That’s impossible as Christians don’t lie and make up stuff, just ask Galileo.

Nope, like the folks on Madison Avenue (and all the ad salespersons here at the Eldaville Town Crier), they were just fibbing a bit. The Christians wanted to corner the market on worshipping, ah, how should I put this, invisible deities.

See, back around 100 A.D. (or C.E. in case you prefer a morning bagel to a doughnut with your coffee), the pagans had an overwhelming market share of those wishing to believe in something, anything, to distract them from the squalor and disease that they lived with each day.

So every December they had a massive celebration known as Saturnalia that began December 17 (I know you’re wondering, and yes the Romans used the Julian calendar) and lasted for a week, ending on the big day, December 25.

This celebration was HUGE, like Christmas is now.

Now the first day of Saturnalia, December 17, was like our Black Friday, except in Rome in the first century you weren’t yet able to buy a 65-inch TV for $8.99 at Best Buy.

In Rome, Saturn was the god of agriculture, and celebrating him in mid-winter and during the winter solstice was an old farming and pagan ritual.

So, how was Saturnalia celebrated?

For the whole week Romans decorated their homes with wreaths and other greenery, wore their best festive clothing, visited friends and relatives, and no one worked because all the schools, government and businesses were closed. Even Roman slaves had the day off (slaves in Rome were the ancient version of today’s minimum wage workers but now ours don’t get any days off).

Then it came, the day of days — Sigillaria.

On that day, everyone celebrated and gave each other presents.

Some households even appointed a leader of the celebration, known as Saturnalicius, although there is no proof he wore a red suit with white fur trim and black boots.

Hell (I know, this is a FAMILY NEWSPAPER), this celebration was so popular that the Romans even built a Saturnalia temple, although I’m told by an old timer (Eldaville’s own Kirk Spartacus, he’ll be 947 on February 30) it wasn’t as large as Saint Bernadino of Siena Church of the Holy Traducers here in Eldaville.

So, you see, in part, Christianity Inc. held Christmas Day, or Christ’s alleged birthday, on the last day of Saturnalia to compete with, and eventually put out of business, the pagans, much like the way Macy’s flattened Gimbels.

But the tradition of Saturnalia still lives on, even here in Eldaville.

Each December 25, a group of 11 worshippers, the Pagan Elders of Eldaville, gather at sunrise in the home of Augustus Tiberius O’Leary to sing, hug and praise their Saturn God.

The group then marches down West Eldaville Avenue at 7 a.m. with a 32-foot tall helium balloon that is their imagined image of the great King of Kings, Saturn.

Hopefully, it won’t be windy like last year when the PEEers lost control of the Saturn balloon and he crashed into the Eldaville Christian Bookstore, breaking the front plate glass window and knocking the plastic (made in China) baby Jesus out of the manger onto the floor, where he rolled into a display of that popular board game, World of Crusades.

For more information on Saturn worship, and how to join PEE, call Augustus at 666-6666.

And remember, when reading And Now — The News from Eldaville, you better trip out, you better eat kraut, you better drink more, I’m telling you what for, Saturn God is coming to your town. This is your soon-to-be-crucified Eldaville Town Crier reporter Jeff “I’m going to HELL for this column” Tavares wishing everyone HAPPY HANUKKAH, HAPPY FESTIVUS AND HAPPY KWANZAA!

Mind how you sleigh.

(Editor’s Note: This column was originally published Dec. 10, 2020, under the headline, “Saturn God Is Coming to Town.” It is republished here with some alterations.)