“Never attribute to malice, that which is adequately explained by stupidity”*
And Now — The News from Eldaville #183
Good morning and thanks for taking a few minutes of your time to read, And Now — The News From Eldaville.
If you think that insanity happens only in the fictional town of Eldaville, here’s a few things that happened last week in the parallel world known as Reality Earth.
A man in Australia was fined $395 for peeing in a cup on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to Sydney. The man, sitting in a window seat, was reported by a women and her 15-year-old daughter sitting in the middle and aisle seats next to him.
Albuquerque, New Mexico police chased an alleged shoplifter on horseback. Oh yeah, there is body camera video. Roll the tape.
Finally, in the Russian republic of Chechnya, the government has banned music that is too fast or too slow. The new law requires all music to “correspond to a tempo of 80 to 116 beats per minute (BPM).”
The staff of ANTNFE voted and on Friday and we selected the 1962 number one hit — “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Picket and the Crypt-Kickers at a legal 101 BPM to be Chechnya’s new national anthem. (Editor’s note: You may listen to the full 3:14 song at the conclusion of this column.)
The Eldaville chapter of the National Unified Tall-Tale-Tellers Society sent us an email this week with their annual list of “ongoing conspiracies and recent thimblerigs directed against the American people.”
The Eldaville chapter president of NUTTTS spoke to this reporter after I inquired as to the methodology by which the group’s members determine these conspiracies and swindles, or thimblerigs if you prefer.
“Our annual ‘Conspiracies and Thimblerigs: The Hoodwinking of Americans 2023’ is based on extensive research by our members utilizing trusted, unregulated social media sites, research done by some of the leading unemployed conspiracy investigators in the country and decoding all anti-American business and political leaders by taking the third word of everything they say or write. Combining these third words form a message to the hordes of their anti-American comrades. Also, we talk with lots of decent, patriotic, Jesus loving Americans who write blogs in the darkest of the darkened dark web,” said NUTTTS Eldaville chapter president Horace T. 53A-45G. (Editor’s note: Horace claims he uses the last name “53A-45G” in order to protect himself from the “pinko commie, Jane Fonda loving, tree hugging, freako long-haired, Dan Rather ass-kissing pinko bastards.” We should note two things: first, Horace is old so please forgive his 1960s to early 1980s hate refences pertaining to those who he feels are not aligned with his Mussolini-like philosophy and second, even though Horace goes by 53A-45G. everyone in town knows him, he’s Horace T. Puddlesoft, owner and operator of Horace’s Get-‘em’Hot Wieners and Beans food truck that has been operating around town since 2008.)
I did ask Puddlesoft, excuse me, 53A-45G, why it took almost four months to release the groups 2023 findings and he responded, “Well, Jimmy who puts it together on his 1982 Commodore 64 computer and forwards it to our headquarters using his AOL dial up internet connection had almost completed the report in late January but had to start over after destroying his computer by burning it in his back yard and canceling his AOL account.
Following up with the question, why did “Jimmy” have to destroy his computer and cancel his ISP lead to an answer which I’m certain is grounds in most states to ask for a court-ordered 30-day psychiatric observation.
Responded 53A-45G, “See, Jimmy got an email — first you have to understand Jimmy doesn’t allow emails — so it was an immediate red flag. Jimmy always knows we, the members of NUTTS only communicate with each other by leaving notes on the front doors of fellow members inside Polish perogies or Portuguese cacoila sandwiches. But anyway, the email Jimmy got was from the Boy and Girls Club of Eldaville asking for a $10 donation to provide a magician for the annual Valentine’s Day party. Well, Jimmy of course immediately recognized that his computer system had been infiltrated by the CIA and the National Security Agency. As everyone knows Boys and Girls Club is code for gay and lesbian, $10 is the international World Order number used when a great patriot like Jimmy has been detected — or there is a 64-ounce jar of dill pickles in someone’s refrigerator — and magician is code for the NWO order to assassinate someone, in this case Jimmy. So, Jimmy followed protocol, smashed his computer, cut down the telephone pole outside his house with a chainsaw and then set off 13,540 RAID 1.8 ounce bug fogging canisters in his house that resulted in an explosion that leveled his entire building and left a 40-foot deep crater.
Here are Eldaville chapter of NUTTTS conspiracies and thimblerigs of 2023:
“The Centers for Disease Control has a top secret arrangement with the Hormel company to put tiny transmitters in their cans of Dinty Moore beef stew to monitor the movements of any patriotic American who is brave enough to eat an entire 20-ounce can of the stuff.”
“ Anyone whose surname ends in an “s” is a puppet of the secret CIA, known as the DCIA — or Deeper Central Intelligence Agency — and has been brainwashed and programmed to write, speak and perform satirical nonsense to convince left-leaning, commi-pinkos, short-haired women, men who weigh less the 180 pounds, people who like DEVO music, animal-protecting, vegetable-eating freaks and minor league first basemen that conservative patriots like yourselves are nothing but conspiracy loving cooks (sic) (Editor’s note: We believe the NUTTTS meant “kooks,” not “cooks.”)
“Newspaper reporters, including the b$3tards at that rag the Eldaville Town Crier, are constantly gathering facts that interfere with and distort the true truth and real true facts that American need to read to understand the tyranny they face. Remember people, just because it seems like you harbor paranoid delusional beliefs doesn’t mean you’re not a freakin’ patriot.”
Well, I’m Jeff “damn it, my last name ends in ‘s’” Tavares reminding you that tomorrow, April 16 is National Orchid and Save the Elephant Days and the parade starts at Benny’s Tavern. We will then proceed down East Eldaville Avenue, left onto Main Street, right at Careful Corner onto Magnolia Lane to the Bobby Picket memorial bandstand for the concert. The 224 people designated to wear the elephant suit are asked to arrive at the staging area no later than 6 a.m.
Mind how you go.
* Quote by Robert J. Hanlon (1948-2023) who was a computer programmer at the Tobyhanna Army Depot in Scranton, Pennsylvania. This quote became known as “Hanlon’s Razor,” similar to “Occam’s Razor.” Both being heuristic — or hands-on — method of taking a set of hypotheses and choosing the simple, most likely conclusion.
As promised, 1962’s “Monster Mash.”