With a fulsome desire to provide the sincerest Brummagem apology to the many wonderfully prat men and minger women of the five boroughs of New York City, I am being coerced by the Eldaville Towne Crier’s lawyers — at the ominous outcome of being disillusioned — to issue the following statement regarding last week’s And Now — The News from Eldaville that some of the sensitive crusty dayroom 0-3 New York Giants and 0-3 New York Jets fans objected to :
If anyone from New York was offended by last week’s ANTNFE, the Eldaville Town Crier, its management, lawyers and parent company The Tastykake Baking Company are responsible for having hired me. Thank you.
Please maintain your solitude and cheerfulness in dealing with the weeks ahead as we prepare for this fall’s hectic holiday season. But stay safe and comfy in your jammies as I continue to provide uplifting and inspiration stories that offer good will towards the men, women, children, pets and the fish of Eldaville and your town too.
For more than 30 years or so, Americans have officially been allowed to ask a stupid question each September 28, which, in the 1980s, was designated by its unofficial originators — “National Ask a Stupid Question Day.”
This of course does not preclude your fellow country persons from asking stupid questions on other days, for example, is an egg a fruit or a vegetable, does looking at a picture of the sun hurt your eyes or should I tell my parents I’m adopted. Lastly, the granddaddy of all stupid questions of course is, “are there really any stupid questions,” which I’ve clearly answered here by listing the three former questions.
At the Eldaville Town Crier, we’re a community interactive newspaper and seek out every opportunity to have our untrained and ill-informed community citizen journalists work for free to contribute to our content as often as possible. That’s why for the past year we’ve been compiling a list of the crème-de-la-crème of stupid questions and information submitted to us.
For example, Miles Cartfoundry of Cableville, N.Y., asked, “why is paper made from trees?”
Tony Gu of Eldaville asked if someone at ETC knew “why Cinco de Mayo takes place on May 5 in the United States since it’s a Mexican holiday and we don’t use the same calendar as them.”
Before I go on, I do need to thank ETC’s two summer interns for going through thousands of emails to find questions that would be appropriate for our family newspaper’s best stupid questions of the year. So a big round of applause for college junior Kaythia Wellmon of the Pekin School of Advanced Bird Studies and senior RayRayRay Lebreau of the Tennessee Unaffiliated School of Remedial Writing and Boiled Ramen Studies.
Oh, and I’m proud to say one of the top stupid questions this year actually came from RayRayRay, who asked me, “Why the hell do I have to clean out your car and wash your cat? That wasn’t in the intern agreement.” RayRayRay, I just want to say, my cat Lucy thanks you, my cat Serena thanks you, my cat Frank thanks you and I thank you.
Latice Rockcollar of Boise, Idaho, asked, “Could you please give me directions to Eldaville, so I can come find you and remove my name from your damn email list?” (JT: Walk east until you see a blowfish swimming in a Mr. Coffee decanter, then turn right, continue south until you see the statue of Jimmy Piersall, then turn left, and when you see a six-foot tall rabbit named Harvey tell him you know me and he’ll escort you to my home.)
Here are some other notable questions:
“Shouldn’t fire hydrants be blue?” Ack Ka Mono, Athol, Mass.
“How can fish swim if they don’t have wings?” Fred Lapp, “The Home,” Fargo, N.D.
“Can God hear if I fart?” Stevie Meaterhead, Philadelphia Eagles Fan Club #2956
“Which is the more better language, English, British or American?” Wilford Oxford III, Harlan, Ky.
One question asked about the ETC’s display advertising director and reigning Eldaville Miss Jimson Weed Lolalotta Monroe. “Hi, My name’s Roger R. and I’ve recently divorced from my seventh wife, so I’m in search of a new one. Does your Lolalotta Monroe chick have a Mr. Monroe?” (JT: Roger R, the woman Miss Monroe does not have a Mr. Monroe, but she does have a La La La, Monroess named Cindy, so please don’t call or email her.)
There were some questions that really got the ETC staff thinking. Here are a few:
“Why are the letters on a keyboard not in alphabetical order? Larry Ordermann, Quat, Kan.
“How come 99 percent of companies that do things wrong get a — mom says it’s called a settlement — that doesn’t make them admit they were wrong and say they’re sorry?” Tina Martin, age 6, Huntington, West Virginia* Wilmington, N.C.
“Did Lou Costello ever figure out who was on first base? Lynn Suarez, Cooperstown, N.Y.
“Why does a round pizza come in a square box?” Mike Lazzaroni, Naples, Iowa
And last, we’d like to share this most important question:
“If this is one of the richest countries in the world, why is it so many of us can barely afford to live here?” Bud Johnson from the movie Swing Vote.
Well, there are some of the stupid and funny questions from this year’s “Ask a Stupid Question Day.”
Oh, and a couple of important questions too.
I’m Jeff “Never stop asking questions” Tavares reporting from the Eldaville Center for Homeless Pets reminding you to pet your cat or dog or kiss your fish — you’ll feel a lot better.
See you down at Benny’s Tavern.
Mind how you go.
* (Editor: Huntington, W.Va., in Cabell County with a population of just 91,000, had 81 million doses of opioid prescriptions filled by pharmaceutical companies in an eight-year period. It also had the highest death rate by opioid overdose deaths per 100,000 of any county in the country.)