Classified classifieds
And Now — The News from Eldaville # 175
The Eldaville Town Crier would like to thank our subscribers in the Cataract Commons neighborhood for their continued kindness toward our new newspaper delivery system by the newest member of the ETC staff, the donkey, Ms. Geraldo. Those of you who are feeding the donkey, we do thank you for your kindness, but be aware the donkey’s digestive system is not geared to handling jelly doughnuts or McMenace’s Big Bacon Blizzard and Eggalicious Breakfast Croissants, so please refrain from those items and stick with high-fiber pellets (available at Debbie’s Donkey Depot, see the ad on page A17). We thank you, the donkey thanks you, and Ed Markey, who’s been assigned to follow Ms. Geraldo with a shovel and bucket, thanks you.
This week’s And Now — The News From Eldaville column is being condensed to allow room for classified ads — yup, that’s right newspaper classified ads — remember those?
ETC’s Publisher Martin da Verd da III came back from a newspaper conference in Wheat White Junction, Kansas, this week with a brilliant idea. To once again get people to use their local newspaper to advertise products and services through our classified ads, instead of Kenslist.com, the newspaper will now give you a one-year free subscription to the paper and $5 cash for every ad you place in the paper.
The response has been obtrusively prolific and financially calamitous.
As of press time, according to our new receptionist — who in accordance with ETC management’s effort to maximize efficiency and reduce redundancy is also responsible for changing lightbulbs, performing minor truck repairs, running the press insert machine and brushing Ms. Geraldo once a day — informs me that she has handed out $3,260 in $5 bills.
Our new receptionist, Lolana, is from Funafuti, Tuvalu, the world’s second smallest country. (Sometimes we get lucky and don’t have to make stuff up.) She is 32, single and speaks only Tuvaluan. Lolana emigrated to the United States after her house sank into the Pacific Ocean due to the fake global warming thing. Since childhood, Lolana dreamed of petting a donkey and coming to the United States to meet Taylor Swift and eat a Costco hot dog, but I digest. (Copy Desk: OK, JT, we’re no longer going to correct these idiotic mistakes since you refuse to even do one read of your copy after writing it, so digest that!)
I’d like to tell you more about Lolana, but as I said, this week’s ANTNFE is being incensed, oh wait, that’s condensed, although the staff is incensed due to the condensation of the column this week. Right? I dunno, but I expect I’ll get a right bollocking for this graf.
Now, some of our readers’ revenue-reducing classified ads.
“For Sale. Two dozen petrified Swedish meatballs mounted on a bronze statue of Christopher Columbus. $4,700 or best offer.”
“Looking for work to feed my three children and lazy-ass wife who refuses to work so I can stay home and watch reruns of ‘Baywatch.’ Nothing difficult, prefer sitting to standing, no lifting, no phone work or anything using my hands. Come by 704 Hauser St., Astoria. I ain’t got no phone.”
“Slightly used toilet paper for sale, only number 1s, no number 2s, Call 555-xxxx.”
“Selling all my guns and ammo CHEAP. Must sell before judge issues warrant on Tuesday. BEST CASH OFFER!”
“87-year-old man looking for 27-year-old woman for … I don’t remember what for. Call 555-xxxx.”
“FIVE pairs of truck nuts autographed by adult film star Billy ‘Big Baloney Pony’ Crackshite. Call 555-xxxx. If a woman answers please hang up.”
“Have Viagra, need vagina. Come to room 14, Crooked Leg Nursing Home, Eldaville, ask for Eddie.”
Two bicycle wheels, one with tire that needs repair, one without tire, fits a bicycle probably about a regular size or maybe a bit smaller, will trade for anything rectangular. See Lucy at Dogbite Junkyard in Eldaville.”
“Glass coffee table, 48 by 18 with slight crack in the glass but repaired with packing tape. Includes 3-lbs. of Juan Warez mountain coffee and five goldfish. $10 or best offer.”
“Large 3-family yard sale. Don’t miss this one. Loads of household stuff, tools, dishes, lawnmower, pickle slicer, 1974 Gremlin, furniture, soft pretzel maker, gender-fluid clothing, art stuff. MUST COME TO SEE. TOO MUCH TO LIST. Saturday 7 a.m. to dark at 356 … (ETC Classified Dept: You have exceeded the number of words for your free ad).”
“FREE drinks at Benny’s Tavern every Tuesday for anyone who can sing the national anthem backward in Polish while juggling three bowling balls!”
“NEEDED URGENTLY! Man needs a woman to translate his novel from Tuvaluan to English ... $8 an hour and free donkey rides. Call 555-xxxx.”
Keep those ads coming and collect your free $5 although your one-year free subscription to the ETC newspaper may not last a year as at this rate, the paper should be bankrupt by July.
I’m Jeff “Better start polishing the resume” Tavares saying, “Tuku aka au kē nofo tokotasi!”
That’s Tuvaluan for “Leave me alone!”
Mind how you go.
