Changes for the Cha-Ching
And Now — The News from Eldaville #106
Hello Eldvallians and thanks for taking some of your valuable time to read another edition of And Now — The News from Eldaville.
Before we begin this week’s news on the happenings in Eldaville, we’d like to address some of the concerns you’ve expressed this week regarding the changes to the print edition of your Eldaville Town Crier newspaper.
The editors and staff here at ETC know the changes were startling for some and raised many pressing questions. We’ve read every one of those questions along with your concerns, complaints and threats. So here’s the answers to those queries.
Q: Why are the photos in the paper so much bigger? — Harry Farkskin
A: Harry, we believe in the talent and wisdom of our highly trained and experienced photojournalists who work tirelessly to document our community and provide them the opportunity to tell the story with compelling photojournalism that deserves adequate space in your daily newspaper. (JT: Hey copy desk, I’m going to put the publication answer in roman and I thought I’d put the real answer in italics, to save it for our amusement. PLEASE, PLEASE, DO NOT PRINT THE ITALICS ANSWERS IN THE PRINT EDITION, it’s just for us, in house. — Copy Desk: Got it, JT, no worries. Looking forward to a good laugh at the answers you give the unsuspecting readers v. the real reasons.)
(REAL ANSWER — By making the photos bigger, that’s less words that have to be written and that means fewer reporters, saving the paper big bucks on staff. Also,“our highly trained and experienced photojournalists,” that’s a laugh. We fired our only photojournalist 15 months ago, bought Greta from advertising a $118 digital camera on Amazon and they pay her $4 per photo. She didn’t even know the word “photojournalist” until we explained it.)
Q: Why are the letters so much bigger and why is there so much more space between the written lines in a story? — Alice Catarelikey
A: Alice, we know many of our readers struggle with vision issues and we are committed to providing the easiest way to read our stories without eye strain. We care about you, your health and your vision.
(REAL ANSWER — Ink costs money. The more words in a story, the more ink we use. The more space that doesn’t have ink for words, the cheaper it is to print a page. Follow the money, guys, right into the ever-increasing salaries and bonuses of upper management and the profits of the hedge fund billionaire owners.)
Q: How come the superintendent of Eldaville schools gets to write all the stories about our school system? Isn’t that a conflict of interest? — Virgilia Koscokowawitz
A: Virgilia (Frank: Copy desk, check the spelling on that name, sounds like something obscene to me), who knows our school system better than Eldaville’s fine superintendent of schools, Howie Lye? Mr. Lye gives you the inside scoop on the real happenings in the schools and we, and more importantly you the readers, are lucky to have his insights.
(REAL ANSWER — He does it for free, of course, that’s why. Well, actually not for free, since he obviously would never report the kickbacks he and the school board get from the school system’s suppliers of goods and services. Now Angi, our ETC education reporter who was laid-off 22 months ago, would have broken the story on the graft, but she insisted on getting paid, unlike Mr. Lye.)
Q: Why did my newspaper burst into flames when I placed it on the kitchen table next to a hot bowl of oatmeal? — Roald Rollins
A: We have to say, Roald, that this question stumped us. So we turned to Eleanor Beldam, who is known to many of you as Eldaville’s unofficial expert in the occult and other unexplained mysteries of the world. She suggested the newspaper was most likely the reincarnation of a person and suffered a spontaneous combustion event.
(REAL ANSWER — Our publisher, Martin da Verd da III, cut a deal with a Vietnamese paper company to provide us with the cheapest newsprint available on the market. This past week was the first print edition using that paper. The paper is half the cost of the paper we were using. It’s extremely dry and the lignin polymer in the pulping process, which is normally removed, isn’t by the Vietnamese mill, causing the paper to be extremely flammable, but cheap.)
Q: Why are the papers of all 47 subscribers in my gated community just left in a pile in front of the community clubhouse every morning and not delivered to our door? — Jacob Heltermann
A: To consolidate our delivery system and better serve you and your neighbors, Jacob, we’ve condensed our circulation methodology to limit the number of carriers, so papers do not get lost or misdelivered. Also, this gives our readers a wonderful opportunity to meet, greet and chat each morning as you dig through the pile looking for your paper.
(REAL ANSWER: The carriers got the idea they should unionize and demand better wages, working conditions and benefits. So Mr. da Verd III fired them all. We rented a 24-foot bed panel truck and now we put all the papers in the truck and just drive through the neighborhoods pushing a bunch of papers out the back of the truck. Mr. da Verd III has offered the carriers a $0.25-a-week raise, agreed to turn on one of the 100-watt bulb parking lot lights each night and, as a benefit, each carrier would get a free newspaper once a month. Negotiations are ongoing.)
I certainly hope this answers all of your questions regarding the fabulous and exciting changes we’ve made here at your ETC.
We look forward to continuing to bring you the latest braking news from your town, my town, our town — Eldaville.
I’m Jeff “Next week to generate additional savings here at ETC, we’ll have numbers for words, e.g., 1 = the, 2 = and, 3 = but, you get the picture” Tavares saying come one and come all down to Benny’s Tavern tonight starting at 5 p.m. to celebrate National Pasta Day, today Oct. 17.
A 32-foot round, 5-foot deep above-ground pool will be filled with spaghetti, rotini, capellini and other favorite pastas for your dining pleasure. Marinara sauce will be poured from the Eldaville Fire Department’s tanker truck. $14.95 per person all you can eat.
Bevici su – Il bar non porta i ricordi. Sono i ricordi che portano al bar.
Mind how you go.