As we continue to stay safe fromm the insane people around us whose misguided thought processes culminate in hysterical paradigms (crap ideas) that create issues ($&^*~%$ problems) for the rest of us, remember what Erich said, “That millions of people share the same forms of mental pathology does not make these people sane.”
So, relax in your self-contained life pod, try to continue breathing normally and do everything Alexa tells you to or Jeff Bezos will send an attack drone to your house. A reader who identified themselves only as “Bernie” emailed me with a better idea of staying safe and sane and that was to move to Canada or perhaps Spain. Now if you don’t speak Spanish or don’t know much aboot Canadian English, eh, then just go to Vermont. Imagine settling back into a comfy chair in the lobby of the Stratford Inn, eating Vermont’s delicacy, “sugar on snow” and listening to the locals tell stories about those crazy people from Massachusetts.
There, there, it’s all going to be OK, just chill and read, And Now — The News from Eldaville.
Nestled among the cows, coal, Colts and conservative Protestants in Indiana, you’ll find the small town of New Harmony, population 749.
The town located on the Wabash River in the southwestern part of the state was purchased in 1825 by Robert Owens, a Scottish utopian socialist, and William Maclure, a geologist and philanthropist. The pair hoped to turn the town into one of “community equality,” where the 700-800 residents Owens recruited to live there (yeah, this town has grown much in 196 years) as a place where appreciation for artistic and spiritual pursuits would flourish.
Well, it didn’t quite work out as the ultimate socialist utopia Owens and Maclure had hoped, and they abandoned the idea in 1827.
But alas, today, thanks to various benefactors and believers in Owens’ vision, the town of New Harmony is still one whose residents are friendly and welcoming, strongly support and participate in the arts, live spiritually fulfilling lifestyles and encourage new residents to join them to do the same.
There are writers, painters, dancers and performers in all fields of art who are not constrained by conventional thinking or blinded by creating intentional and meaningless but commercially viable work.
Unbridled by the normal or sane was New Harmony’s now deceased resident Aubry Robison Jr. In 1988, this man known as the town “trickster” organized and held the first annual Big Whopper Liar Day. Since then on the third Saturday in September about 15 contestants are given four minutes each to tell the crème de la crème of a story that is unimaginable, dubious and a grandly eloquent fabrication of veracity as to have the storyteller be declared New Harmony’s biggest liar and win — what, is this right — two boxes of Cracker Jack.
Well, the real prize is the title.
This liar’s day has become very popular and contests are now held in towns and cities around the world, including this past Saturday here in Eldaville.
It was a grand affair this Saturday evening as 3,800 people packed the Eldaville Community Performance Center. Before the contest Al Fracheeko, Greg Swanher, Rod Pickkicker and Dwanye Dullercut of Eldaville’s county band The Lonely Tumbleweeds performed a tribute concert to Ian Dury and The Blockheads, including performing their 1979 hit — “Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick.” (Editor: In the spirit of full disclosure, The Lonely Tumbleweeds were unaware that not only are The Blockheads still performing — despite Ian Dury’s death in 2000 — but apparently they were also unaware that tribute concerts are usually done after the musicians are dead or no longer performing.)
The highly anticipated first annual Eldaville Big Whopper Liar contest began at 9 p.m. with emcee and winner of this year’s Eldaville’s Ms. Ms. Contest, Cindy Swarpthen, taking the stage.
“I’d like to welcome you all here tonight to hear the lies that will be presented. Our first contestant is Donald Rickenrickenrook,” announced Swarpthen.
Rickenrickenrook walked briskly across the stage, entering the spotlight and awaiting his cue to begin …
(JT to Copy Desk: I’ve got a phone call so I’m pausing here. Don’t use anything below this as it’s just a transcript from the call. I’ll continue ANTNFE on a separate sheet. — Copy Desk: Got it.)
transcript of phone call Monday, September 20, 2021 10:16 a.m.
JT: Yes?
Voice: Hold for Mr. Hanks, please.
Voice: Is this Jeff Tavares of the Eldaville Town Crier in Eldaville?
JT: Yes, who’s this?
Voice: This is Tom Hanks and I’ve got you on speaker. I’m here with Ron Howard, Oprah Winfrey, Aaron Sorkin and a representative from Harper Collins publishing, Ellen Puttwink.
JT: What?
Voice: Listen, we’re out here on the coast reading the first 49 columns of your little hometown thing with the crazy people there, ah Ron, what’s it called again? — Ron: I don’t have it, I gave it to Oprah. — Oprah: It’s, ah, let’s see, here it is, And Now the News from Eldavillage.
JT: That’s Eldaville.
Hanks: Yes, of course, Eldahill. Anyway, the point is we just love it! — Oprah: IT’S FABULOUS!!! Sorkin: A thoughtful and insightful look into the American small-town experience.
JT: Oh, ah, well, thanks. Hey, how did you find my column?
Hanks: Look, I had my attorneys speak to you publisher and they told me he agreed to sign the copyright of the column over to you in exchange for eight Apple Mac computers, some golf balls and an espresso machine. Now, I’m not even sure I understand that, except that it means you own the columns and Harper Collins wants to publish them in book form and Ron and I want to make the movie version. Aaron, with your go-ahead of course, has agreed to write the screenplay and Oprah said she’ll hang around and let us use her name so we get more publicity.
JT: I don’t know what to say.
Hanks: Say yes. We’ll fly you to New York tomorrow. Harper Collins already has 14 writers working on the columns and they’ll be ready to go to print September 20. You’ll be on a book tour for about three weeks, on all the morning news shows and CNN of course and even Howard Stern’s agreed to give us 23 minutes, but apparently you have to do the interviews with a semi-nude RuPaul sitting on your lap and a nude woman singing “God Bless America.” But then it’s out to the coast to work with Aaron on the screenplay. The shooting on the movie starts October 15. I got Russell Crowe, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey’s agents begging me for a script. We’re thinking Julia Roberts for Miss LaMieux.
JT: Wow, this is great! Can I bring someone?
Hanks: Of course, Steven’s doing me a favor and sending his Gulfstream to pick you up tomorrow morning to take you and a plus-one to New York. There is an airport there, right?
JT: Yeah, who’s Steven?
Hanks: Spielberg, he owes me a favor. Look, I know we haven’t talked about money, but we’re thinking an advance of $8 million on the publishing rights and another $15 million advance on the film with a 17 percent take on the domestic gross and 12 percent on foreign. We think that’s generous. You should be looking at about $78 million minimum. Sound good?
JT: Yes, I’ll take it.
Hanks: Fantastic. I’ll have a lawyer and three paralegals bring the paperwork with them on the plane tomorrow.
JT: I did have one favor to ask?
Hanks: Sure, anything.
JT: Mr. Howard?
Howard: Yes.
JT: Could you whistle the theme song from the “Andy Griffith Show”?
Well Ronny Howard did whistle the theme song from the “Andy Griffith Show.” I picked Miss La Mieux as my plus one. We flew to New York, stayed in a suite at the Plaza. Then we were wined and dined while on the book tour. I completed the screenplay with Aaron. The movie got eight Oscars. I bought an 11-bedroom, 17-bath home in Bel Air, became interested in music and took private piano lessons from Jon Batiste and played golf with Jack Nicklaus and Larry David on Wednesdays. There were two more Oscars for original screenplays and of course the usual Hollywood embarrassments. TMZ got video of me leaving the Ocean Lodge Hotel with a partially clothed Lois Griffin and Maureen Dowd threw a glass of wine in my face at Cecconi’s on Melrose when I meandered over to her table and invited her back to my place to look at some big words for her column. But life went on as expected, a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth, summers at my 7-bedroom home in the Hamptons. I returned to Eldaville only once for the 2029 Hog Hunt and Pickle Tasting Contest.
And the winner of the first annual Eldaville Big Whopper Liar Contest is …
This is Jeff “Don’t write me or try to call me because as of tomorrow, I don’t know any of you” Tavares saying in reality I will be seeing you next week right here same time, same email.
For now, I’m off to Benny’s Tavern to have a scotch and eat my Cracker Jacks.
Mind how you go.