The crazies — you know who you are — are out again in Eldaville.
Well, between happy hours starting at 11 a.m. here and a lot of people not knowing who or where they are, you have to expect some bizarre incidents, and have we had one this week.
So, as always when you read The News from Eldaville, remember to hang on to your sanity, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and please keep your brains inside the ride.
Before this week’s news, many thanks to all of you who responded generously with the graham crackers to feed the horses. If you missed it, this newspaper, the Eldaville Town Crier, and the Saddle ‘er up Strip Club have been collection points for graham crackers, which are used to feed underprivileged horses in the community.
I did get a call from Don Adwinkle, owner and operator of Don’s signs, where you can get wonderful signs made, according to Mary in our advertising department.
Don wanted to know “What the hell is this about horses and graham crackers?”
Having taken this job only four weeks ago, I was also confused as to why horses would need graham crackers, and when a reader has a question, we here at the Town Crier newspaper are happy to find an answer.
So for those of you who don’t know — and most of you who don’t care — it seems a 2016 report by a veterinary association in the Virginia Range area of Nevada found that the coarsely ground flour used in graham crackers is beneficial to a horse’s digestive track, helps reduce gas and makes them smarter … or something like that.
This report somehow got into the hands of local resident Bambi Nouveau, who is a self-described “wrangler” at the Saddle ‘er Up Strip Club (897 Saddleerback Ranch Rd, Eldaville, open 7 days a week, 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m.) who got it from her cousin in Nevada, Sister Felicia Maria Theresa Kozlowski of St. Amator Equorum Church in Puckerbush, Nevada. The women both love horses, having grown up in the 1970s living in a 1962 Winnebago in the parking lot of Belmont Park racetrack in Elmont, New York.
Bambi convinced Saddle ‘er Up owner and two-time Eldaville mayor Matthew “Matty” Lyon and our own Town Crier Publisher Martin de Verd III to begin a campaign to raise awareness and collect graham crackers for the underprivileged horses of Eldaville. (Mr. de Verd III has asked this reporter to include in this story that he “had never heard of, talked to, seen, or knew of Ms. Nouveau prior to his involvement in this worthy and honorable effort to aid Eldaville’s underprivileged horses.”)
Anyway, just keep those GCs coming so we can keep our horses munchin’ and happy.
(It’s enough to make me want to quit this newspaper job and go back to work cleaning the rental shoes at the Buddy, Can you Spare a Strike Bowling Center in Alameda, California).
Now, finally, the news about the crazy.
The Eldaville City Council meeting turned ugly and hysterical this week when longtime city resident and activist Jane Granite refused to stop speaking after her 5 minutes were up during the public comment’s portion of the meeting.
As Eldaville Police Officer Ralli Tagart attempted to remove Granite from the chambers, per order of the mayor, she bolted to her feet and declared that she was taking over the city, “under the authority granted to me by my leader RANCHELLA.”
See, turns out that Granite believes she is from a planet known as “Number 9 in the Vulpeculae Cluster.”
Ah, yeah, OK.
Granite resisted Tagart’s attempt to arrest her, struggled free and ran down Merchant Avenue with Tagart in hot pursuit. Targart was being slowed as a Chihuahua, excited by the disturbance, had chased Tagart, bitten his pants leg, and was hanging on for dear life as Tagart pursued Granite.
A dog groomer, who refused to identify herself, said she recognized the dog, and its name was Bitsy.
Tagart lost Granite, but later that evening EPD believed they had her cornered in the old Toy Train Repair Station in the nearby town of Bingo.
The EPD Swat Pair was called in, along with Dr. Zachary Smith, a negotiator from SETI or the search for extraterrestrial intelligence.
The SETI negotiator told Granite if she agreed to surrender he would schedule her on the next shuttle flight to planet Number 9. An ambulance from Dr. Demento Memorial Funny Farm Hospital in Eldaville was standing by to transport Granite to the EKMFF.
Granite told Smith she would not surrender until Eldaville Mayor Herman Suarez agreed to “abdicated his throne and grant Granite full authority over the city.”
The Eldaville Public Information Officer issued the following statement to a live TV audience.
“That women is nuts, she’s always been nuts and everyone in Eldaville knows it. Her whole family is crazier than she is. Damn %$%^#. OK, is everyone ready? Jim, you set? OK, here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... The mayor expresses his deep concern for Ms. Granite and her wonderful family. He urges Granite to surrender to EPD and assures her that no harm will come to her.”
At press time, Granite remained holed up in the TTRS.
Well, this is Jeff “I’m a reporter, I’m a reporter” Tavares reporting. I’ll see you next issue with more news from Eldaville. But first, if you have any hot tips or questions about Eldaville you can find me on the third stool down from the door at Benny’s Tavern here in Eldaville.
(Editor’s Note: The Eldaville Town Crier would like to apologize for the use of the term “crazy” is this column. We were told by an alert reader, Dr. Oonfried Rachenrach, a staff psychiatrist at Dr. Demento Memorial Funny Farm Hospital in Eldaville the current and correct classification of crazy person is “high-functioning individual.”)
Oh, and tell don’t forget to tell your friends, family and your enemies about the bizarre people and strange events that take place here and invite them to cross the city limits into - Eldaville at:
eldaville.substack.com